Once upon a time there was a company called Monster. Monster made cables, the kind that connect your DVD player to your TV. Not vital these cables.
Monster tended to overcharge for their products but because of the strength of their brand and marketing prowess, shoppers paid.
A few noble cable enthusiasts owned much smaller companies that aimed to sell quality cables at cheaper prices. This very much angered the monster, who used frivilous claims of intellectual property violations to scare these companies into submission.
Ah…but one…one noble cable enthusiast – who also happened to be a lawyer – said nay. The valiant one – from a realm known as Blue Jeans Cable – Kurt Denke, stood up and said…Yo bitches, don’t ya’ll step to me with that sh*t!
OK…Denke wasn’t that ghetto with it, but he wrote one of the most punch-packing responses to a frivilous cease and desist letter this journalist has ever laid his eyes on. It was the legal equivalent of asking for your Vaseline.
His full response can be found here, and the original letter and documents from Monster here.
Here’s the deal though. The patents Monster cable are using to claim trade dress (look that up on Wikipedia here) are vague and by no means substantial enough to request a company shut down production and distributon of their product-line. But Monster even went so far as to request Blue Jeans recall products they have sold.
I am totally man-crushing on Kurt Denke because he managed to artculate, in a reserved, respectful and unassuming way how much of an abuse Monster’s claim was, of intellectual property law. He also made clear that he will not back down from the oversized oaf of a company unless they can prove he’s actually violating their intellectual property rights, which – since it’s plainly obvious that he’s not – they won’t be able to do.
My favourite bit from the whole letter of reply has to be the following:
I am “uncompromising” in the most literal sense of the word. If Monster Cable proceeds with litigation against me I will pursue the same merits-driven approach; I do not compromise with bullies and I would rather spend fifty thousand dollars on defense than give you a dollar of unmerited settlement funds. As for signing a licensing agreement for intellectual property which I have not infringed: that will not happen, under any circumstances, whether it makes economic sense or not.
Now when you can evoke fear with the substance of your character…you are one baaaaad motha oooh…shutyomouth
Denke made sure he covered all his bases though and since noble character rarely ever scares monsters, he hit ‘em where it hurts – their taxes.
I assume that Monster Cable International, Ltd., in Bermuda, listed on these patents, is an IP holding company and that Monster Cable’s principal US entity pays licensing fees to the Bermuda corporation in order to shift income out of the United States and thereby avoid paying United States federal income tax on those portions of its income; my request for these licensing agreements is specifically intended to include any licensing agreements, including those with closely related or sham entities, within or without the Monster Cable “family,” and without regard to whether those licensing agreements are sham transactions for tax shelter purposes only or whether they are bona fide arm’s-length transactions.
Once I have received the above materials and explanations from you, I will undertake to analyze this information and let you know whether we are willing to accede to any of the demands made in your letter. If my analysis shows that there is any reasonable likelihood that we have infringed in any way any of Monster Cable’s intellectual property rights, we will of course take any and all action necessary to resolve the situation. If I do not hear from you within the next fourteen days, or if I do hear from you but do not receive all of the information requested above, I will assume that you have abandoned these claims and closed your file.
He’s the dog’s bollocks, as far as I’m concerned, and I am keeping an eye opened for Monster’s reply.